Project: Coffee & Flowers is something I did on my old blog which I thought I’d continue here because I think it really helps keep me on my toes. 🙂
1.) Today was a very, very overwhelming day for me. As I write this I’m in bed with the lights turned off–I should be sleeping (my body is exhausted) but my mind is wide awake. I had a very, very good day: most of it was spent with good friends and a good chunk of it was spent reading. I also got in a good amount of exercise and got to write a little.
I went to Taft this morning to hang out with friends and distribute my Christmas gifts as well as claim my graduation assessment. In the process, I ended up making a new friend and also making the people I’ll miss most in Taft happy. It’s super odd not to be busy on the first day of class or not to be running around, checking my schedule–it feels almost uncomfortably weightless. I feel very nostalgic about school but also I know that it’s time to get a move on. I’m also pretty excited about things to come.
Another reason why today was so overwhelming is that I got to re-meet my friend who got amnesia around a year ago as a side effect of surgery for a brain tumor. It was definitely a little strange at first, having to re-introduce yourself to someone who you (supposedly) know but I feel like most friendship encounters are worth sitting out the awkwardness for. And I was right! It ended up being a really fun afternoon of sushi, laughter and weirdness with friends.
My highschool literature teacher, Ms. Ella told us in one of her lectures that “happiness is finding something you thought you’d lost” and even now, 11 years later I still think that’s true. When we’re happy because we get paid or get gifts, it’s usually because we think we deserve these things–like these things aren’t new things being given to us out of the blue but items which we feel should’ve already had. When we’re happy because we make friends or find people who understand us, we’re happy because “it feels like we’ve known these people for a long time”; we feel like we are re-meeting old friends rather than talking to strangers.
Today felt like that. I felt like I regained the ability to laugh and to open up to people.
2.) I recently got very bothered by something someone said to me about not having time. I’d suggested something (in response to a post–I won’t delve into the specifics because it isn’t relevant) and the person responded by saying they didn’t have time to do that.
For all I know, it may be true that this person doesn’t have time to do certain things but the way that it was phrased bothered me because it seemed to imply that a) I made the suggestion thinking this person had nothing to do and b) I myself have nothing to do.
To be honest, most people are busy (I, for one have a meeting at 9 am tomorrow and should be getting to bed) and there are always things that need to get done but that is never an excuse to be inconsiderate or hurtful, especially when people suggest things to you out of enthusiasm for your enthusiasm about something.
For example, if someone says “Oh, you might like Robinson Crusoe!” in a response to a post saying “I loved Cast Away!” you don’t reply with “Ah, can’t read it–I have things to do.”
To be honest I don’t know why this bothers me so much but it’s sort of been sitting in the back of my mind for a couple of days, now. I guess it’s because I’m disappointed: I don’t deal very well with being let down. I’m okay with anger or sadness or anxiety, even but disappointment drives me crazy because I can never tell why my expectations of someone were so high in the first place.
But on the bright side, I guess some people are only interested in things on a surface level kind of way and that’s alright–in the same way that casual conversations can ease you over a period of boredom or awkwardness. I feel like I should learn to tell the difference between people who are really interested in something and people who are just drifting past the idea, sort-of looking.
It’s such a shame because I feel like I could’ve possibly gained new perspectives from this person but that’s life: you win some, you lose some. And at the end of the day we’re all only (somewhat) in control of our own time, no one else’s and we just can’t get too upset over that or it’ll drive us insane.
3.) For as long as I can remember, I’ve kept a journal. I have two shelves full of journals with photos and bits and bobs. But this year I decided to be less anal about it because I’d like to be in the moment as opposed to looking in on the moment. I still keep a notebook but it’s mostly for cataloging thoughts and jotting down drafts. 🙂