Into the Trap

I’ve never been good at waiting. It’s something that I have been terrible at since age 0. But I’m (slightly regretfully) now 23 and while I know that isn’t very long, I’m hoping two decades does count for something. While I am still partly a 2-year-old stomping my tiny feet in agitation at the prospect of waiting a few more days for a hint of something or for the breaking of this silence, I know it’ll be alright to wait or that I’ll survive the wait. Hay. Life is crazy sometimes. How is it that a day can seem so long and also seem so short once you realize you might not have it for long?

Like I said, I am a deeply illogical creature. I had a good day today, though. I laughed a lot.

In other news, my officemate (Hi, Joco) found my blog today. For some reason he decided to search my name on YouTube and kapoof, supposedly extinct videos–kapoof remnants of my somewhat failed past as a person who takes photos of herself every morning (oh, wait). Hahaha One key word and–awwwww, shit. I was just talking about how weird it is when the different parallel dimensions of your life collide and well, hello. It was weird but it really made me laugh. In a way, I’m kind of glad that he found it. I am curious as to how a person’s selves can come together. So strange! I also added my work friend Rain (another Rain, not Raine hahaha) on Facebook. So this is a step for me, putting my different worlds together.

I am somewhat reminded of the first time I ate ketchup with fries. Like it was weird but I felt like–so this is what normal people do. Somehow I feel that (based off of how many of my friends go out of town with “work friends” or whose high school barkadas somehow end up melding with their childhood friends or whatever) this kind of synergy is easier for most people to achieve. Meh. Speaking of self, though–I do really like the arbitrary selfie that follows.

Anyway, tonight and tomorrow morning I’m going to be working on a project for EM’s fifth issue which is going to be edited by FFY. All of this was already the torture I knew I’d subjected myself to when I began writing but I must admit, it has all been made even all the more fucking challenging by this goddamn heat.

Coffee & Flowers: Talkin’ Talk

There was this old D’Sound song that I was oh-so-fond of. It went a little bit like talkin’ talk is not just talk, getting’ there is half the walk or something. Hah. Let’s pretend I don’t remember. Today, I had a really good lunch break. I was able to sit around by myself for about fifteen minutes and was able to contemplate the following things: what is it about the pantry that is so comforting? What is it about reading that makes you feel okay? And moreover, why is it that there are so many aspects of a person’s life that run parallel to each other? Why is my office self different from my “writing” self? Or different from my family self? My student self? My music self? My girly self? My friend Raine said something interesting to me a few months ago: where have I hiding all my friends? She said that it was so curious that all the time she’s known me (around six years), she only met a huge lot of my friends this year. It was like I lived in a parallel world. It isn’t on purpose though, these parallel lives or parallel type of scenarios. Why do I feel like these things coming together is so odd? Why do I feel odd for them not coming together? Furthermore, is fiction the attempt at putting all these things together? Is it possible? Moreover, does it matter? Ah, all the pretentious kind of shit that I thumb through—which is just fine, I guess. All fiction is a kind of pretension anyway. Like all good literature or art, I guess what matters is that it’s believable.

And then some of my office mates decided to go on their lunch breaks as well and suddenly, there was a whole lot of talkin’ to be done. That was really nice. To put things in context: it isn’t often that I get to have lunch with other people because a) our office is a small but busy one and b) our lunch times are adjustable, according to our shifts and positions so that the office is never empty. Not that I mind this, either. I like productivity. It’s comforting to hear the clacking of keys. Today was one of those rare days when I got to spend my break actually talking to people. It’s very interesting, the number of things you can learn from people around you—or about the people around you.

There was talk about rice cookers: what you can make in them (noodles, soup, fried chicken) and how you can place them on the floor near the socket and accidentally step on them. There was talk about coffee and how cheap beans are and then the surreptitious look of disdain at the instant coffee maker. Someone said something about melons and how good they are with milk. Someone bit into preserved ham. I cut into my chicken nuggets. Someone mentions vegetables and someone else heads back to their desk.

I forgot my coffee at home today—that’s a first and possibly my karma for both drinking too much of it and trying to cut down on it rapidly. I’m still on the fence about whether or not karma operates so directly. I get the feeling that the minute that karma becomes reasonable or logical, I will no longer believe in it. I wonder if I believe in it. I wonder about logic, in general. I am an illogical person, underneath all the science-ing of this, or science-ing of that—I think that this is where my desire to outline or to enumerate or to force cohesion into things comes from: the actual lack of the belief that it can be achieved. And so I am superstitious: I do believe that somehow, not having the coffee may propel something bad to happen.

And nothing bad happened. I had dinner with my friend Trizha, I met my sister’s friend/teacher from her Creative Writing class. I talked a lot. And now I’m ready for bed. And maybe things will be okay, yes?

 

Coffee & Flowers: Park Time

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Photo collage by MaanicMondays | Available on MoarBooks

I don’t have an actual photo because my phone was lowbatt all day but I think that the photo collage by the great people over at Maanic Mondays pretty much sums up what I want to talk about. On my lunch break, in an attempt to escape or alter my fate as a shut in, I like to go eat at the park near my office. It’s nice seeing people on their break as well. Some people have picnics some people eat on the other benches. It’s really nice. It’s also very refreshing because what I do for most of the day is stare at the computer screen. 

I just found out recently that more people than I’d thought read this blog; that’s very nice to know. 🙂 Thank you guys for telling me. I feel like there are never enough opportunities to feel less alone or lonesome–except, of course on occasions when you want to be alone.

I’ve been having a pretty good albeit exhausting week. There have been some pretty interesting developments at work. And well, let’s just say I’m pretty damn excited for March 5th.

Although of course, life is not without things that bother me: for instance, the fact that I haven’t had any proper sleep all week or that tonight, Matt Berninger is singing somewhere within like, a whatever-kilometer distance and instead of being there swooning over his beautiful, baritone voice I am here in my room typing this. But that’s okay. We will power through it, yes? 🙂

Coffee & Flowers: Friendship, Time, Memory

Project: Coffee & Flowers is something I did on my old blog which I thought I’d continue here because I think it really helps keep me on my toes. 🙂
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1.) Today was a very, very overwhelming day for me. As I write this I’m in bed with the lights turned off–I should be sleeping (my body is exhausted) but my mind is wide awake. I had a very, very good day: most of it was spent with good friends and a good chunk of it was spent reading. I also got in a good amount of exercise and got to write a little.

I went to Taft this morning to hang out with friends and distribute my Christmas gifts as well as claim my graduation assessment. In the process, I ended up making a new friend and also making the people I’ll miss most in Taft happy. It’s super odd not to be busy on the first day of class or not to be running around, checking my schedule–it feels almost uncomfortably weightless. I feel very nostalgic about school but also I know that it’s time to get a move on. I’m also pretty excited about things to come.

Another reason why today was so overwhelming is that I got to re-meet my friend who got amnesia around a year ago as a side effect of surgery for a brain tumor. It was definitely a little strange at first, having to re-introduce yourself to someone who you (supposedly) know but I feel like most friendship encounters are worth sitting out the awkwardness for. And I was right! It ended up being a really fun afternoon of sushi, laughter and weirdness with friends.

My highschool literature teacher, Ms. Ella told us in one of her lectures that “happiness is finding something you thought you’d lost” and even now, 11 years later I still think that’s true. When we’re happy because we get paid or get gifts, it’s usually because we think we deserve these things–like these things aren’t new things being given to us out of the blue but items which we feel should’ve already had. When we’re happy because we make friends or find people who understand us, we’re happy because “it feels like we’ve known these people for a long time”; we feel like we are re-meeting old friends rather than talking to strangers.

Today felt like that. I felt like I regained the ability to laugh and to open up to people.

2.) I recently got very bothered by something someone said to me about not having time. I’d suggested something (in response to a post–I won’t delve into the specifics because it isn’t relevant) and the person responded by saying they didn’t have time to do that.
For all I know, it may be true that this person doesn’t have time to do certain things but the way that it was phrased bothered me because it seemed to imply that a) I made the suggestion thinking this person had nothing to do and b) I myself have nothing to do.

To be honest, most people are busy (I, for one have a meeting at 9 am tomorrow and should be getting to bed) and there are always things that need to get done but that is never an excuse to be inconsiderate or hurtful, especially when people suggest things to you out of enthusiasm for your enthusiasm about something.

For example, if someone says “Oh, you might like Robinson Crusoe!” in a response to a post saying “I loved Cast Away!” you don’t reply with “Ah, can’t read it–I have things to do.”

To be honest I don’t know why this bothers me so much but it’s sort of been sitting in the back of my mind for a couple of days, now. I guess it’s because I’m disappointed: I don’t deal very well with being let down. I’m okay with anger or sadness or anxiety, even but disappointment drives me crazy because I can never tell why my expectations of someone were so high in the first place.

But on the bright side, I guess some people are only interested in things on a surface level kind of way and that’s alright–in the same way that casual conversations can ease you over a period of boredom or awkwardness. I feel like I should learn to tell the difference between people who are really interested in something and people who are just drifting past the idea, sort-of looking.

It’s such a shame because I feel like I could’ve possibly gained new perspectives from this person but that’s life: you win some, you lose some. And at the end of the day we’re all only (somewhat) in control of our own time, no one else’s and we just can’t get too upset over that or it’ll drive us insane.

3.) For as long as I can remember, I’ve kept a journal. I have two shelves full of journals with photos and bits and bobs. But this year I decided to be less anal about it because I’d like to be in the moment as opposed to looking in on the moment. I still keep a notebook but it’s mostly for cataloging thoughts and jotting down drafts. 🙂

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