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Fearless Personal

Head First, Fearless Days 5-6: Stop Making Plans, Start Making Sense

Can you have your cake and eat it too?

Even if I still love that song, turns out that you and me—not-so forever young.  As the ins and outs of life progress and I carry myself through work day after work day, I find myself looking back at everything that I’ve done since 2010 and I feel like my main “edge” back then was that I was still a student but I was doing these other things even if really, the fact that I was still a student was kind of sad. It’s funny how life works: if you pair almost any extracurricular thang with at studyante pa siya, it begins to look impressive.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this whole MoarBooks thing.

Maybe it was a brave thing to set out and do (given my previous experiences with “putting it out there”, this was really an exercise in overcoming trauma) but since then, part of me has become kind of afraid to make plans or to “look ahead” because a lot of the time it can take the piss out of everything and also because you end up disappointed a lot. I’m not good with disappointment: I can handle anger, sadness, stress, anxiety, whatever but disappointment just makes me want to stab someone repeatedly.

Anyway, this fear of disappointment both in myself and in others is what I feel has been holding me back with regard to MoarBooks. I think I went into this whole thing being in denial that I would have to do most of the doing. This is ridiculous because it seems like the kind of thing you should realize as you’re lugging five bags of inflated pillows down Ayala Avenue on a hot, hot summer afternoon in 2012 but hey, if we weren’t kind of naïve at some point, we would never do anything.

While I had previously asked some friends to help me out and they did (do, still) in their own ways (thank you guys!), I think that I had failed to see the limitations that my friends had already let me know they had (however subtly) from the beginning—sometimes with regard to capacity, other times with regard to willingness. Lately I realized that if I want this to work, I have to sort out a way to get it done on my own. I have only recently realized that while my friends are investors, talent, consignees, supporters, fellow-sellers, fellow aspiring writers and artists, ultimately this endeavor is mine. The reluctance to bear that responsibility is also the reason why it is difficult for me to appreciate the good things about it or to properly recognize what it needs to become. I never got what people meant by “own it”—well, I do now.

In the past few days I have begun making plans for my little tsanak business (baby daw eh). I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve laid down a couple of goals for myself and for MoarBooks to accomplish by the end of June and these were the most difficult bricks to lay out because they include all of the things that I’m terrible with—including having to be stricter with people I like and (even more so) with myself. It’s all still driving me insane.

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Fearless Personal Uncategorized

Head First, Fearless Day 3: Top of Your List

I feel like the things I’ve addressed through these entries so far are “baby fears”—tiny things. And reading my friend’s entries for this is extremely daunting. I feel like I haven’t taken this exercise in fearlessness seriously enough—or not concretely enough. She resigned from her job, I wore a black tank top to work. Nowhere near the same thing but you know, whatevs—I swear I am going to do better.

Let me assure you, this isn’t for a lack of things that I am afraid of: it’s just that mostly the things I fear are out of my control. I am afraid of people dying, of people leaving, of being embarrassed, of dying in a plane crash, of being murdered. I don’t have a lot of fears that have to do with things I can do something about.

Furthermore, I guess one thing that I didn’t factor into this entire challenge was the fact that I think there are definitely certain fears that are in place for a reason. There are some fears that hold you back and there are others which protect you or keep you from doing dumb things. I suppose I needed to make that distinction.

I was initially going to write about being tattooed and why wearing a tank top or any kind of sleeveless anything is always an ordeal for me but instead of doing that, I decided to instead share the list of things to do that I’m afraid of.

This is not for 97 days and I am going to be adding to this list as I go along—I’ll make a separate page for it, eventually and put it up on the sidebar for easy access. Also, these will be done in no set order because I’m not that much of a control freak. I figured sharing this on here would be the scariest thing to do because that would create even more pressure on me to complete this challenge and it would invite opinions or suggestions from the people who read this—not that I’m averse to that (I’m not!).

Ze list:

  1. Be completely honest about something without explaining that I am resisting the urge to cut corners because of a blog challenge.
  2. Talk to someone I haven’t talked to in years.
  3. Have a burning ceremony for those letters.
  4. Do something thoughtful for someone in a platonic way without explaining my fear of being misunderstood and all those other stupid anxieties. (In a nutshell: trust someone not to misunderstand me, I guess.)
  5. Go swimming by myself and make a day of it, too.
  6. Say sorry to someone with whom I would like to make amends.
  7. Finally get my “graduation tattoo”
  8. Break from my usual routine
  9. Cross the street between Adelentado and Makati Cinema Square
  10. Be vulnerable